(Smart) women and marriage

I’ve enjoyed a very small group in my Russian class this year, and one result of having a very small group is that we’ve gotten quite comfortable with each other and we have some interesting discussions. There’s one topic on which I’m always the odd man out: women and marriage. My most outspoken classmates are Turkish, and they tend to think alike on this topic. The Korean guy sees things a little differently, but he also favors women who stay at home and don’t assert themselves much. Understandably, perhaps, none of them has ever been married.

This has been going on for five months now. Every time we talk about women and marriage, my classmates indicate a strong preference for women who will be dependent on their men, both financially and intellectually. They can’t imagine a happy relationship with a smart woman, and especially not a woman with leadership responsibilities anywhere in her life. Today I realized that it’s even hard for at least some of these guys to imagine even being friends with such a woman.

I keep trying to tell them about my experience. I have always been surrounded by smart women, beginning at birth. I don’t just like them, I love them. Women often have a different perspective from men, and I couldn’t imagine isolating myself from it. My guys are pretty OK with that part of my argument, but fully convinced that smart and successful women would fail them in other important ways. So I tried to tell them that the smart women I know best even know how to cook well. That concept appeared to get right past my audience, as does the idea that they might be tender, caring and thoughtful at the same time.

It makes me really value the successful women in my life. I feel invigorated whenever I am in the same room with them, and their strength and character inform my every interaction with another human being.

I also respect the young Muslim woman who was careful not to be alone with me when we helped each other with our homework. I understand her caution because I know who she expects to marry. Her strength is very different from the type I know best, but she inspires me too. I hope her target audience is similarly inspired, and I hope we can all learn to value good ideas and good people.